WordKnot

Most of you that know me will undoubtedly assume that it’s just that my brain is leaking funny stories.  Apparently it’s sieve (however the hell you spell that).  It’s not always easy to come up with good stories, but I’m sure that is little consolation to you.
This story is, in fact, not my own.  It belongs to my father and, after getting so sick of telling it that he simply refused to do so anymore, he bequeathed it to me.  So, it has fallen to me to tell this infamous story.  I’ll be changing the name of the “main character” (other than my father) in this story so as not to incriminate my dad.  Also, I’ll be telling the story in the first person, simply for the reason that it’s much better that way.
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Ok, enough bashing on my family.  It’s time now to bash on myself.  I am not special, I’ve done my fair share of stupid things.  I know, it’s a shock to us all but please, try to believe it.

This will be two stories in one, but they are related so…  enjoy.

Well, we really were cutting up a lot of bushes in our yard that year.  My dad had cut our bushes at the end of the yard back far enough to make them look nice and ratty.  Then, figuring a job well done decided to find an ingenious way to dispose of the branches and such.  Of course, the favorite method of destruction of anything flammable is what?….Fire of course. (continue reading…)

Here’s another story pertaining to my family.  I’m not really sure how many of these I should tell you people.  Considering that I share a bloodline with these people I’m thinking that I don’t want you all assuming the worst of me.  Though, now that I think about it…  I’ve had many of my own stupid occurrences that you will be privy to eventually through these blogs.  So… On with the story.
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This is a fun story that I am surprised to realize I haven’t told often.  To set it up, let me just say:  I started dating my wife at 15, was ready to marry her at 18…  The reason that I mention this is, to be honest, to brag.  Bragging about the relationship that I have with my wife as you will see when you read what happened.

I was 18 years old when I moved out of my house and into Renee’s (with her parents).  I just couldn’t live under the same roof with my mother anymore.  I love my mom to death, but we butt heads like no one you’ve ever met.  We do better at a distance…

Anyways, about six months after I left home, my parents took me to Arizona with them to visit a friend of theirs and to do some sight seeing.  We were going for just over a week.  By the middle of our vacation, my mom and I were beginning to get on eachothers nerves a bit.  We were in Sedona (the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen in my life) and I was getting sick of them going to bed at around nine o’clock and me lying in bed bored out of my mind.  So, I went looking.  It was at the “Red Dirt Shirt Shop” that I found what I was looking for.  I struck up a conversation with the pretty girl behind the counter.  After some polite chit chat I presented my case as follows.
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Considering I’ve told this story twice over the past two days, I figured I may as well tell the world about my most embarrassing moment ever.  I don’t know why I’m comfortable telling the mass populace about this, but then again maybe I’m just hard up for a laugh, your laughs.  So, without further adue (or however you spell that), I give you the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

It was ninth grade and, if you’ve read my previous blog “highschool shenanigans” you know that I was not the most popular guy in school.  And, if you can believe it, I was even less so in ninth grade (which was not technically High School because we were in the Intermediate School building).  The reason for this is that I had not yet found my clique.  Not found the Chief, Todd, Krammit and the rest.  I was still trying to hang out with people who considered themselves above me and those who were so different that we never really got along.  Now, let’s all collectively shed a tear for the poor freshman with crappy or no friends.

So, it was lunch time, an awkward time for me.  I sat with a group of people who simply didn’t not like me.  I had been feeling sick to my stomach all week, it being Wednesday now.  Mom said I had to go to school considering I only had a stomach ache.  And so, there I sat at lunch, eating little and uncomfortable when something began to churn in my stomach.  Have you ever had a fart so big that it made your stomach-ache go away?  Well I thought that that was what was coming.  I leaned to the side, careful not to look too obvious, and let it slip.  It was silent (thank God) but it wouldn’t stop.  Soon I was feeling warm….. down there, and a little messy.  I realized what was happening and tried my hardest to stop it, but to no avail.  Eventually it stopped on its own in what seemed like hours, but were, in fact, only about four seconds maybe less.  I pulled my shirt down around me and sped off to the nurses office praying that no one noticed (prayers that were in fact answered).

I got to the nurse an the exchange went something like this…
“I need to go home, I have diarrhea.”
“Are you sure you need to go home?”
“Yes, can I call my mom?”
“Why don’t you see if you can tough it out for the next three periods and go home at the end of school”
“You don’t understand I HAD diarrhea and I need to go home”
“You sure you can’t wait till the end of the day?”
“LISTEN LADY, I SHIT MY PANTS OK?”

She called my mom.  Mom wasn’t home at the time and so I was left with only one option.  Attempt to get a hold of my sister.  My sister, at this time was dating an asshole.  The asshole had the magical ability to turn my sister into a bitch.  Something she has realized upon reflection.
I finally got a hold of her at her boyfriend’s house (goody).  She was pissed.  I told her I needed her to go home and get me a change and come pick me up from school.  With her boyfriend still in the room she asks “What do you need a change for?”  I told her, she responded “Eww, that’s sick.”
But she did what I asked however, not as I would have liked because about twenty minutes later she showed up, with her asshole boyfriend, in his car, with his friend, who was also an asshole.  To their credit they remained quiet the entire time.  However, sick little me got to ride home in the back seat of a shitty car, with shitty pants in a bag on the seat next to me just wishing I would die.

And there you have it.  If anyone can beat that I challenge them to try.

this is going to be a shorter story, but it’s one worth telling

Back in the day before my massive amounts of tickets I, humble Adam Fogle, was a speed DEMON. I raced anyone who would be willing to speed.  I always won, not because my car had a bigger faster engine, but because I was willing to top out faster than most.  I would go as fast as it took to win.  So, if you haven’t already guessed, this story is about a race.  A rather unusual race.

It’s about nine o’clock on a nice summer night.  I’m driving along Rt. 8 (for those of you who aren’t from around here, it’s a highway, speed limit 40) at my usual clip of around sixty.  A leasurely ride considering I’ve hit 100 on it.  So, I’m cruising along at my usual pace.  Ahead of me, in the right lane (the lane I’m in) is the cab portion of a semi truck.  As usual I move into the left lane, prepared to pass him.  I planned not to accelerate any but to pass at sixty which would have me at about five to ten mph faster than he (he was also speeding a bit).  So it’s not like I was going to blow past him.

I pull up next to him and begin moving past when I hear the semi cab shift gears.  Suddenly I’m no longer passing but keeping pace.  I think to myself “no way…. there way a semi wants to race me”.  Before I finish my thought I notice that his bumper is edging out ahead of mine.  That is something I was simply not prepared to allow.  I pushed the gas, but not hard, just wanting to move ahead slowly, to make sure I wasn’t making it up in my head.  “Maybe he’s just speeding up” I thought.  But sure enough, after another sound of hydro pressure, he moved up to keep pace and begin to pass.

I finally hit the gas and so did he we kept pace for a while utill I pulled ahead at ninety miles per hour!  I came to a stoplight and he came up in the lane next to me.  He rolled down his window and leaned out so I could see him.  In the most redneck voice I’ve ever heard he yelled out…. “Ha ha ha, wur jus’liiike in’a fast an’a ferios, huh?”

I laughed, agreed, rolled up my window, and burned him at the green.  Not many peole can say they  raced a semi.  I am proud to say that i have.

I’m not really sure how this story is going to go because it’s a series of a couple of months of fun.  Let’s just start with an explanation and see where we wind up.

Supermagnet:  I’m not talking about the ones you can buy at a toy store or out of a magazine.  I’m talking serious friggin’ magnets.  My dad was a computer technician back in the day that computers were the size of refridgerator.  Well, after those computers were obsolete my father was on to bigger and better things.  However, he did manage to score the magnets that came from the hard drives of these mammoth machines.  The magnet was about three inches long, an inch and a half wide and about a half to three quarters an inch thick.  A force to be reconed with.  Just to give you an idea of the power of these magnets.  You could put one on either side of your THIGH and they would stick.
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OK, this story is going to give away a couple of key things about me that most people would rather not admit to.  A.  I’m a friggin dork.  B.  I was a major pansy in High School.  I think that’s about it.
So here we are, in my junior year at high school, Shaler for those of you who don’t already know.  I got sick about half way through the year, some kind of gastrointestinal problem that no one ever actually figured out… just went away on it’s own.  Don’t worry, I wasn’t shitting out my mouth or anything, just had a lot of pain.  So the pain comes, I go to the emergency room, doctors scratch heads, I go home, start to feel a little better the next day, get the week off anyways (hooray).

So, being that I had the week off and wasn’t allowed to go anywhere fun, I decided to do somthing inside to entertain myself.  ***This is where the dork part comes in, fair warning.***  I made a backpack entirely out of duct tape.  I shaped it around a box and it had a flat lid.  Looked pretty gay/retarded but damnit! I was proud of my creation.  So I take the monstrosity to school and wear it with pride, inspite of the smell of the tape and glue following me everywhere.
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Molly is my dog.  I love my dog.  We got Molly last April and she has been nothing but amusing.  Well, amusing and a bit of a pain in the ass.  However, pain or not, she has done some things that leave you wondering. (continue reading…)

A lot of funny shit has happened to me in my lifetime and I though that it might be fun to share some of it with you.  I’ll start with something that I thought was absolutely hilarious.  So, here we go.

A while back my friends and I got into the habit of leaving wierd shit on other friends windshields, underneath the wiper blades.  Chief and I had left a belgian waffle, a cup of “au jus” (the sauce that you dip your “beef dip” in at Quizno’s), and a seedless cucumber under the windshield wiper of Todd (all at different times of course).  So one day I’m driving around with Chief in the car and we decide that we have a dire need to leave something under the windshield wiper of Zim.  He was currently at work at a pharmacy nearby.  When Chief asked me what we should leave I had a sudden flashback to my childhood. (continue reading…)