WordKnot

This is a fun story that I am surprised to realize I haven’t told often.  To set it up, let me just say:  I started dating my wife at 15, was ready to marry her at 18…  The reason that I mention this is, to be honest, to brag.  Bragging about the relationship that I have with my wife as you will see when you read what happened.

I was 18 years old when I moved out of my house and into Renee’s (with her parents).  I just couldn’t live under the same roof with my mother anymore.  I love my mom to death, but we butt heads like no one you’ve ever met.  We do better at a distance…

Anyways, about six months after I left home, my parents took me to Arizona with them to visit a friend of theirs and to do some sight seeing.  We were going for just over a week.  By the middle of our vacation, my mom and I were beginning to get on eachothers nerves a bit.  We were in Sedona (the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen in my life) and I was getting sick of them going to bed at around nine o’clock and me lying in bed bored out of my mind.  So, I went looking.  It was at the “Red Dirt Shirt Shop” that I found what I was looking for.  I struck up a conversation with the pretty girl behind the counter.  After some polite chit chat I presented my case as follows.

“I’m in the area for two days and I’m getting so sick of my parents going to bed early and leaving me with nothing to do.  I’m a night person and the early nights are killing me, I have to get out for a while.  Do you want to get together tonight?  There’s an ice cream place that’s open for a while down the road, we could just hang out.”

To my surprise and delight she said yes and that she’d pick me up outside the shop at 8 that night.  I immediately went out and called Renee.  “Guess what!” I said.  “I’ve got a date tonight”.  I proceeded to tell her about my courageous request to a stranger (never been the type to be that outgoing).  She was more impressed with the fact that I actually asked her if she wanted to get together than anything else.  Her response wasn’t “what?!!? I’ll kill you!”.  It was “you have to tell me how it goes when you get home”
(fyi, that’s the bragging part)

So, eight o’clock was fast approaching and I made my way to the storefront.  I’m not ashamed to say that I made sure I looked good and wore cologne.  Just cause my intentions were pure, doesn’t mean I don’t want girls to be attracted to me.

Anyways…. I wait till about 8:05 and a GMC Envoy, black, comes rolling up.  The door opens and there’s the girl from the store in the drivers seat.  The passengers seat is empty and in the back….

In the back is three more girls.  Let me rephrase that.  In the back is three more HOT girls.  At this point I’m thinking to myself that this evening can go two ways.  Either they’ll be my type of people and we’ll have a good time anyways or they won’t and they’ll wind up talking amongst themselves and I’ll hate every minute of it. I hoped into the car and off we went.  It only took me about fifteen seconds to realize which way the evening was going to go.  It turned out that I was riding with four “Valley Girls”.  For those of you who don’t know that particular “jargon”, a valley girl is the epitome of dumb blonde/ditzy cheerleader/airhead type.  Let me give you an idea of the intellect that I was working with here.  We wound up going to a pool hall/stoner bar.  There we were serenaded by someone on stage reciting poetry… Well, it wasn’t poetry so much as it was… words that rhymed.  Just lists of rhyming words and when he ran out, he picked a new word and started over.  While playing pool with the barbie girls the only time they bent over the table was not when lining up a shot.. no no.  They took their shots standing straight upright.  They bent over the table solely in an attempt to distract me and get me to miss/lose.  My concentration, I am happy to say, was just fine.  Needless to say, I kicked their asses.
The girls spent alot of time that evening talking about what they should wear the next day to their friends court hearing that was scheduled for the next day.  They were trying to decide whether they should wear revealing clothes or conservative.  Their train of thought on this was that a male judge may be more leniant if the defendant’s friends were hot and exposed some clevage.  Their friend was having the hearing to determine whether she’d get out on parole or have to serve more time.

The friend
Was in jail
For beating
HER MOTHER!!

WITH A FRIGGIN’ BAT!!!

So, my advice was that they shoot for the conservative look and not work too hard to match eachother (another idea they’d had).

After the pool hall/rhyming contest, we piled into the SUV and headed for the Shirt Shop Girl’s home.  Now, something you must know about living in Sedona.  If you live there, you have to have more money than you know what to do with.  We show up at Chez Barbie and the livingroom could contain my whole apartment.  The ceilings were over two stories up.  What did we do there?  A freaky foursome?  Maybe some drinking and sex games?

We played battle tetris on a tv that stood taller than me (fyi, I’m six feet tall).  We played for about a half hour then sat around and talked while eating chips and dip.  One of the girls had an IQ a little higher than the others and I spent my time talking with her while the others talked about getting boob jobs.  Idiot that I am, I had to ask… “What size are you now?”  Shirt Shop Girl pulls her shirt aside, exposing her……………………(don’t get too excited) bra.  She shows me and says “A small C cup”.
My response (thinking) “What the fuck?  Boob jobs are for small Bs and lower.  What the hell do you need more than a C for?
My response (speaking) “I think you’re quite big enough”.  They all said that that was really sweet of me to say and I thought “who the hell are these girls dating that that was a sweet sentiment?”

Anyways, the night wore on and eventually Shirt Shop Girl and the others drove me back to my hotel.  I walked in the door and called Renee…”You are not going to believe the night I’ve had”……..